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SHIFTING GEARS WITHOUT BURNING OUT
Change can suck, especially when it affects the way you see yourself. Just when you’re finally getting comfortable with who you are, something always seems to come along and rewrite all the rules.
We’re creatures of habit, so it’s no wonder that major life transitions take a while to get used to. Whether it’s retiring at the end of a long career, returning to civilian life, or getting bitten by a radioactive spider, change can rattle even the best of us. And just like a too-tight pair of briefs: If things are getting uncomfortable, you’re gonna have to adjust.
Transitions force us to find a new comfort zone, which is inherently stressful. The only way out is right through it, and with the right mindset and support system, you can emerge as a stronger, more resilient version of yourself than you ever thought possible.
Signs of trouble coping with life transitions
Identify signs of struggle.
The phoenix probably doesn’t like turning to ash. The raw steel doesn’t like being broiled and bludgeoned into shape. It’s totally natural to feel uncomfortable with change, and it’s no sign of weakness to need a little more time to adjust. Rather than beating yourself up for not instantly going with the flow, just take a minute to admit that you’re struggling. It’s harder than it sounds, and it’s more important than you’d think. Here are some of the signs and symptoms that’ll clue you in to the fact that you’re having a hard time transitioning.
Physical
- Feeling lazier than normal
- Feeling physically weak
- Change in sleep patterns
- Digestive issues
- Decreased sex drive
- RestlessnessIncreased use of drugs or alcohol
Mental & Emotional
- Irritability
- Feeling depressed or anxious
- Loneliness
- Feeling overwhelmed
- Avoiding reminders of the change
- Feeling out of place
- Worrying the discomfort will last forever
What's Changing?
Exactly what sort of “transitions” are we talking about?
Honestly, it can be pretty much anything that involves change. When your sense of self gets involved, all bets are off. Maybe they discontinued your favorite breakfast cereal, or maybe they shipped you off to a different country in the middle of the night. Any time you have to adjust, it’s gonna take time.
This list is just a sampler platter of all the transitions that can throw your life into chaos. Middle age, an empty nest, a major health diagnosis… there’s no shortage to the changes that you’ll face during your lifetime. But here are a few examples to get you started.
Types of Transitions
Losing a Job
When a guy loses his livelihood, he can start to question his value to his family and society now that he’s no longer providing any income. Add to that the challenges and anxieties of financial uncertainty, and you have a perfect recipe for a difficult transition.
Moving
Uprooting your life and replanting in a new city, state, or country can be especially destabilizing. When you have to make new friendships, find a new job, and adjust to a new home base, your emotional reserves tend to run dry quickly.
Returning to Civilian Life
Men returning from military service often have difficulty transitioning back into civilian life. It’s not uncommon for men to struggle with readjusting to their family dynamic, preparing for the workforce, acclimating to a new civilian culture, and creating structure outside their military unit.
Parenthood
The introduction of new responsibilities, expenses, stress, and expectations can make the transition into parenthood hard on fathers.
Retirement
Men spend a lot of time preparing financially, but they often don't prepare themselves for what else comes with retirement. Boredom, a lost sense of purpose, and a disconnect from social groups can make some retirements anything but relaxing.
Divorce
Divorce can be one of life’s most complicated and painful changes. In addition to losing a partner and your identity as “husband,” it can strain your relationships with your children, create new financial difficulties, and force you into situations (like first dates) that you thought were behind you.
Why are Transitions So Hard?
The only constant is change. But does that make it any easier to roll with the punches? No it does not. Transitions are so hard because they require work. All of a sudden, you have to develop new skills, learn new habits, forge new relationships, and start playing an unfamiliar role. That takes a ton of mental energy, which can leave you feeling exhausted and defeated at the end of the day. On top of that, you’re probably still grieving the life you’ve left behind, whether you’re mourning an ex-partner or just missing the comfort of a predictable routine.
Something that makes change especially tricky for men is that we like to problem-solve. We like to be able to predict what comes next and react accordingly. But many of life’s transitions leave us out of our depth and uncertain about the next best move, which can make us anxious, depressed, and overwhelmed.
But at the center of it all, what makes transitions most uncomfortable is our unearned certainty that things will never get better. When we’re trapped in the chaos of change, we have a hard time believing that we’ll be able to adapt and move on. We worry that we’ll always feel out of control — but that’s just the stress talking.
Humans are remarkably resilient creatures, and we almost always return to a baseline after something shakes up our snowglobe. That’s not to say that bouncing back is as easy as being human. If you’re having a hard time adjusting to your new life, I’ve got a trick to help you get better faster. Spoiler: It’s other humans.
Coping Skills & Treatment Options
It can be hard to adjust to change.
Relationships and connections to others are the secret to resilience. No matter what you’re going through, you’re guaranteed to find countless men who’ve survived the same.
Find a Support System
Putting yourself back together after a divorce? Look for a divorced men’s group online or in your community. Struggling to adjust to civvy life? Connect with other veterans who can give you tips, help you out during low points, and offer solidarity when you feel like nobody else understands.
Even if you can’t immediately find a group that fits your exact situation, any sort of support can be a lifeline during tough transitions. Tell your friends, your family, your partner, your pastor… anyone who you trust to hear you out with patience and generosity. Even if they don’t know exactly what you’re dealing with, they can take things off your plate, share their own successful transition tips, and give you grace when you need it most.
Forging and re-forging connections can also give you an excuse to dive into something that takes your mind off the difficult transition. Feeling lost in a new city? Join a board game club, a hiking group, or another community that can help you create routines for your new normal. But because substances can easily exacerbate your feelings of loneliness and despair, maybe hold off on the pub crawls until you’re feeling more like yourself.
Acknowledge Your Feelings
Feeling adrift can be scary, but admitting that you’re feeling adrift can be empowering. When you recognize and name your emotions, you gain far more control over them. Give yourself time to grieve your losses and reflect on your new circumstances. Introspective practices like mindfulness and meditation can help you wrap your head around the change and discover exactly what you’re most worried about.
Be Patient
It takes time to adjust to change. Don’t expect to be okay overnight, and you won’t set yourself up for disappointment. You’ll have better and worse days, and days when you’re convinced that you’ll never feel normal again. Remember that you’ve made it this far, give yourself permission to take things at your own pace, and celebrate your milestones (no matter how small).
Therapy
One of those other humans that can help you adjust to change is a trained therapist. Especially if you find yourself sliding down a path of depression, anxiety, or addiction, don’t hesitate to use all the tools at your disposal. With approaches like cognitive behavioral therapy and group therapy, a therapist can give you the support and skills to make your transition as smooth as buttered bacon.
Man Therapy Provider Directory
Find a real life man-therapist.
We have partnered with real life professionals who specialize in men’s issues. Talking with a specialist can be way more efficient than googling symptoms. Browse and find one that sounds right for you; they’re ready for whatever you’ll throw at them.
Resources for Managing Life Transitions
This is the next chapter in your life — not the epilogue. Get out there and grab the transition bull by the horns.
Eventually, things will get better. You will get better. But we can speed things up a bit with the help of community, self-love, and some good ol’ fashioned elbow grease. Below, I’ve pulled together several additional resources to get you back on your feet after a major life change. Join a support group, bone up on the mental health challenges that often accompany change (like anxiety and depression), and treat yourself to some professional help by following these links.
Below, you’ll find an office chock-full of Gentlemental Health guides just like this one as well as other in-person and online community resources to leverage for your own mental health and to share with other guys who need a hand. Let’s dive in.
Suggested Resources
An office full of support and the information you need to manage change.
There’s more meat on the mental health bone. try dr. rich’sMental health plan builder.
Gentlemental Health 101
Improving your mental health means taking charge of every aspect of your world. Mental health issues are often interconnected, so explore how other areas of your life can impact each other and get your brain and life into tip-top shape.