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Like Wings and Hot Sauce, We’re Stronger Together
When you were a kid, relationships came together easily. You noticed someone with the same superhero on his backpack and you immediately hit it off. No self-consciousness; no snobbery; no last-minute excuses. Whatever happened to that?
As men get older, they tend to let their connections wither, like flowers by a fire hydrant. Whether they’re too nervous to strike up new relationships or too unmotivated to maintain their current ones, men often watch their friendships lapse and either avoid romantic relationships altogether or take their existing partner for granted.
It’s gotten so bad lately that the U.S. Surgeon General declared loneliness to be a public health epidemic in 2023. Even if you think you prefer lone-wolfing it, I promise that you’d be better off in a pack. The research couldn’t be clearer: solid relationships are a non-negotiable part of a longer, happier, and more successful life.
With the right attitude, a few tips, and a little push, you can build and maintain those relationships, with your crew, your family, and your better half (if you have one).
Why Men Need Connection
People are Social Animals
We come pre-wired for language, we can read each other’s emotions at a glance, and we see human faces in everything from tree stumps to burnt toast. Even the most introverted homebody needs some companionship in his life, and unfortunately even the most loyal pooch just won’t cut it.
Even if you’re regularly surrounded by people at work, worship, or wherever, you can still be lonely if you aren’t actively connecting with those people. By nature, we need a diverse set of social connections to bring out the best in ourselves. The ideal combination is 3-4 close friends, a web of more casual connections, and one long-term romantic partner.
Close friends give you closeness and camaraderie, casual connections give you a wider network of support, and a romantic partner gives you a level of emotional intimacy that you won’t find anywhere else.
All types of connection can have a major impact on the quality of your life. Here’s some of the benefits that you have to look forward to.
Live Longer
In addition to giving you a reason to stick around, relationships and friendships stave off the poisonous effects of loneliness. Research says that being lonely can do more harm than smoking a pack of heaters a day. Isolation causes high levels of stress, which are disastrous for your immune system. Add a few solid friends to the mix, and all of a sudden you can share each other’s burdens, brighten each other’s days, and (theoretically) talk each other out of doing stupid shit. We all need someone in our lives that we can call at 3 in the morning when we really need a friend to lean on.
Feel Better
Connections are a salve for both the mind and the body. They fulfill your psychological needs as a social animal by providing stability, support, validation, and a sounding board for both good and bad news. But perhaps its most miraculous side-effect is how they improve the function of your neuroendocrine (hormone-release) system. This controls things like metabolism, blood pressure, muscle growth, sex drive, etc., which I’m sure you’ll agree are pretty important for a life well lived.
Do Better
We’re meant to live as part of a tribe, and not just because it makes us feel better and live longer. It also gives us the tools to thrive. When you’re flying solo, you only have your own thoughts, motivation, and resources to rely on. But with company, those all get multiplied. You can rely on your connections (and vice-versa) for advice, outside perspectives, accountability, a fresh supply of dad jokes, and extra hands on moving day.
Improve Other Relationships
The skills that you learn from maintaining one connection can translate into all of your other relationships — friendly, romantic, professional, familial, and casual. When you’re with your friends or partner, you’re constantly practicing complex but crucial social skills like empathy, patience, and conflict resolution. A romantic partner in particular will give you opportunities to practice vulnerability, empathy, and compromise. Your healthy connections help you develop confidence in yourself and a richer understanding of others, all of which strengthen your relational skills across the board.
Why Can Growing Connections Be Hard?
As a kid, you didn’t overthink your relationships. But now, you just seem to get in your own way.
Before we dive into making new connections, let’s take a look at why some fail in the first place (and how to make sure that doesn’t happen to yours).
Friendships
What is it that’s so scary about making new friends? A lot of the time, it comes down to a fear of being hurt. Maybe you were dumped, betrayed, or forgotten by a “friend” in the past. Or maybe it’s just been so long since you sparked a new friendship, you don’t trust yourself to not screw it up. You don’t want to come across awkward or needy, and you don’t want to make yourself vulnerable to someone who won’t reciprocate.
And I’ll be honest with you — making friends isn’t a zero-risk game. There are some dickheads out there, and nobody likes to be rejected. But it’s worth the risk. The worst they can do is show you that they didn’t deserve your friendship in the first place, and that helps you narrow the field.
Another reason men might avoid friendships is because of how we were raised. A lot of us were conditioned from a young age to see male relationships as being about competition or personal gain. We were taught to challenge other boys rather than connect with them, and we were told that intimacy is only for romantic relationships. The good news is, you’re always just a fist-bump away from making a change.
When you catch yourself making excuses for avoiding friendship (“I don’t have enough time” … “The guys in this town suck” … “I prefer single-player games”), ask yourself if what you’re really saying is “I don’t want to be hurt” or “I don’t know where to start.” You can make all the excuses you want, but lifelong friendships rarely fall out of the sky. You’ll have to crawl out of your cave sooner or later, so why not start now?
Romantic Relationships
A lot of the same fears hold guys back from trying to strike up a romantic relationship — and often even more so. Think about it: When you were a kid, it was probably much easier to be yourself around a friend than someone you had a crush on.
There’s a reason we call it “lovesick.” Taken on their own, the stomach butterflies, sweaty palms, jumbled thoughts, and untimely… (*ahem*) arrivals… aren’t especially enjoyable.
And in addition to that physical discomfort, men sometimes experience anxiety about the emotional demands of a relationship, such as vulnerability, openness, shared finances, shared secrets, and the sheer commitment of finding a partner for life. Plus, what if you get rejected? It can also be confusing to navigate changing social norms and mating rituals, and this is where Hollywood hasn’t done us any favors. Some guys think they’re expected to make a grand romantic gesture, complete with a hundred white doves released in Central Park, and then the romance will fall neatly into place and last happily ever after. For better or worse, reality is much less dramatic than all that.
How Connections Can Go Awry
Over Reliance
There’s a reason I recommended 3-4 close friends. When you try to put the burden of “best friend” on just one person, it can cause both of you to burn out. Don’t expect one person to fulfill all your friendship needs, and don’t try to fulfill all of someone else’s.
This applies equally to your romantic partner. If you expect them to be your only confidante, co-pilot, and source of self-worth, you’re going to burn them out faster than Vin Diesel’s tires.
Superficiality
Especially if you were socialized to keep people at arm’s length, it can be easy to develop a broad social circle without any truly close friends or romantic relationships. These sorts of connections are tenuous at best, and they typically don’t scratch the itch we all have for real companionship.
Jealousy & Sabotage
Both friendships and romantic relationships are deeply personal acts of vulnerability. That’s why it’s easy to get possessive. When your best bro starts making other friends (or, God forbid, a best friend), you might feel jealous and bitter, which can cause you to subtly start icing him out. Before you know it, you’ve sabotaged a healthy relationship, all because you weren’t secure enough to share.
When it comes to a romantic relationship, it’s a little more reasonable to expect exclusivity. But when you jump to assumptions and silently punish your partner without any proof (or because you’re overreacting to something innocent), you might be the one causing an otherwise strong relationship to crumble.
Moving Too Fast
Maybe you’ve been friendless for a long time and you’re chomping at the bit to bag yourself a buddy. Or you’re a couple dates into a potential relationship and you’re ready to move in together, get a joint bank account, and start raising chinchillas. Easy there, partner. In friendships and romantic relationships alike, you don’t want to come on too strong. It’s important to ease yourself into any new relationship — to understand and respect the other person’s boundaries, energy level, time commitment, and personal quirks. Take your time. If it’s a good fit, they’re not going anywhere.
How (& Where) to Make Connections
The trick is simple: Go where people are and find a common interest.
Now, I can already hear you saying, “Gee, Rich, you’re such a hip, charming, down-to-earth guy. Will you be my friend?” And to that I say, “Unfortunately, I’m just a rhetorical device. You deserve a friend with actual flesh and feelings and whatnot. But I’m flattered that you asked, and I’ll help you find someone even better.”
It doesn’t matter if you start online or in real space — as long as you’re putting yourself out there and staying open to connection, you’ll be building your relational skills and priming the universe to start handing out opportunities. You can start big and then whittle your options down until you find someone who ticks enough of your boxes.
You don’t have to go all the way to bosom buddies with anyone who remembers your name, but you also shouldn’t be too quick to brush past a possible match. What I’m saying is: Find a happy medium between desperate and aloof. Be authentic, be open, and don’t be afraid to make the first move. You’ll never know if you never try.
If you’re drawing a blank for where to look, here are just a handful of ideas to get you started:
- Sports: Amateur leagues, fantasy drafts, casual pick-up games
- Hobbies: Board game nights, writing workshops, hiking trips
- Religion: Volunteering, worship, Bible study
- Identity Groups: Veterans, ethnic groups, LGBT
- Online: Subreddits, video gaming, meet-up groups
- Existing Relationships: Work, friends of friends, old school chums
OK, so you’ve got a potential match in your crosshairs, and you want to make sure you don’t blow it. I’ve pulled together a list of tips to help you set your relationships and friendships up for long-term success:
Find the Right Fit
Not everyone has what it takes to be your BFF or soulmate. Don’t try to force a connection that isn’t working — instead, try to foster relationships that fit you best. Friends and partners should be diverse enough to challenge each other, but they should also have a decent amount of overlap in their needs, boundaries, interests, and values.
Pay Attention & Adjust
Early on in a relationship, it’s important to stay aware of the microsigns that reveal what your new pal or partner is thinking. If you’re an exuberant talker and you notice that they clam up when you get on a roll, maybe it’s time to slow down and try to match their tempo. This also applies in reverse: If they’re more touchy-feely than you’re comfortable with, let them know that you’re more of a high-fives or hand-holds over hugs kinda guy.
Sometimes this disconnect is harmless and quirky, and other times it’s a sign of a poor fit. Do your best to accommodate others without compromising your own style, and don’t be afraid to move on if you’re consistently rubbing each other the wrong way.
Sidestep Pitfalls
In the “How Connections Go Awry” section above, I outlined several common problems that can spell doom for a fledgling connection. Introspection and self-awareness are always important skills, but even more so when you’re trying to make a good impression. Stay aware of any bad habits that start to creep in, and give your new friend or partner some grace if you catch them falling into the same traps.
Talk to the Pros!
Our species has been making connections for hundreds of thousands of years. But we’ve been losing them for just as long. Now, with a revolutionary modern invention called “therapy,” we can understand each other and the people around us better than ever, and form relationships that stand the test of time.
If you feel anxious about the prospect of making new friends or putting yourself out there romantically, if you’re struggling to keep your current relationships above water, or if you’re just curious about how to be a better friend to yourself and others, reach out to a professional therapist nearby.
Man Therapy Provider Directory
Find a real life man-therapist.
We have partnered with real life professionals who specialize in men’s issues. Talking with a specialist can be way more efficient than googling symptoms. Browse and find one that sounds right for you; they’re ready for whatever you’ll throw at them.
Moving Forward
Find what type of support works for you.
The best friends are with you for the long haul, and that door swings both ways. You have to give and receive. Being a good friend and partner takes work, but it doesn’t have to be a chore. Here are some other resources and ideas to make your relationships stronger and carry you through the rough patches.
Yours truly,
Dr. Rich Mahogany
Below, you’ll find an office chock-full of Gentlemental Health guides just like this one as well as other in-person and online community resources to leverage for your own mental health and to share with other guys who need a hand. Let’s dive in.
Suggested Resources
Explore these suggested resources to enhance your relationships and build stronger connections.
There’s more meat on the mental health bone. try dr. rich’sMental health plan builder.
Gentlemental Health 101
Improving your mental health means taking charge of every aspect of your world. Mental health issues are often interconnected, so explore how other areas of your life can impact each other and get your brain and life into tip-top shape.