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CHARLIE BROWN WAS FULL OF CRAP
There’s no such thing as “good grief.” I don’t usually whip out the ol’ Latin, but this feels like an appropriately somber occasion. Grief comes from “gravare,” meaning “to make heavy” (as in, what those craft beers and cheesecake bites are doing to my gut). Grief weighs you down, making every effort 10x harder. Sometimes it gets so heavy that you can hardly catch your breath.
But unlike my gut, the burden of grief will get lighter over time. How much time? Couldn’t say — it’s different for everyone, and it’s never predictable. And it directly correlates to the work you put into dealing with your grief. There’s no script, schedule, or straight path out of grief, and I’ll save you a lot of trouble by telling you up front that it’s never gone for good. But life goes on, and so will you. You’ll learn to move forward with grief, rather than trying to move on from it.
Why do we feel Grief?
Not every loss comes with grief, but all grief comes from loss.
Whether it’s a death, a health problem, a breakup, or any other major life change, losing something important to you can trigger an avalanche of emotions like regret, despair, anxiety, and depression. We’re creatures of habit, and we like predictable stability. So even a positive change, like fatherhood, can be overshadowed by a sense of losing the way things used to be (in this case, a loss of free time, your partner’s full attention, your ability to curse like a sailor, etc.).
On top of those abjectly miserable emotions, it’s common to also feel a strange contradiction surrounding the loss. Years after your dog died, you might still reach out to pet him at his usual spot next to the couch. You know that he isn’t there anymore, but you feel like he should be. And in that lurch of unfulfilled expectation, all the pain of grief comes rushing back in.
OK, but I said earlier that even though grief lasts a lifetime, it gets more and more tolerable. So what determines how bad and how long the grief hurts? As the Buddhist saying goes: Suffering = Pain x Resistance.
The pain is inevitable, but the amount of suffering it causes is entirely up to you. The more you fight your emotions, the deeper they’ll dig their claws. The longer you pretend the grief isn’t there, the longer it’ll stay front and center.
There are infinite ways to lose things in this life, so there’s no shortage of cause for grief. But below are a handful of the most common types of loss that can wring sorrow from even the most poker-faced stoics among us.
Common Causes:
- Death of a loved one
- Losing a job
- Retirement
- Estrangement
- Moving
- Marriage
- Divorce
- Breakup
- Childbirth
- Health problems
How do Men Grieve?
You don’t need me to tell you that you’re grieving. It’s about as pleasant as drowning, and just as obvious.
But the grieving process is messy, and it can be hard to tell what coping mechanisms you’ve unwittingly been relying on when you’re in the thick of it. Even though you’re not wailing, gnashing your teeth, and rending your garments, you might still be hurting more than you’re willing to admit (even to yourself). Men in particular have a hard time with grief, mostly because we spend so much time fighting it.
Grief causes a slew of negative emotions — sadness, helplessness, hopelessness, loneliness — which can easily make a man feel uncomfortably vulnerable. So instead of allowing himself to feel the full range of his feelings, he’ll often bundle all of his discomfort into easier emotions, like anger.
Men have come up with endless ways to avoid feeling the vulnerabilities of grief. Ask yourself if any of the following grief-delay tactics sound familiar to you.
Protector, Provider, & Problem-Solver
These are roles that men have taken on throughout history, so it’s no surprise that they’re what we revert to whenever we’re feeling angsty. They reliably give us a quick hit of empowerment and control, and they distract us from the creeping grief. You’ll see this coping mechanism in the man who busies himself with the funeral logistics or the bereaved father who dotes on his partner’s every need while ignoring his own.
“It Is What It Is”
You know this guy. Maybe you are this guy. He’s terrified of sincerity, so he deflects with pleasantries and quips, never letting himself truly grapple with strong, unpleasant emotions. True acceptance is different than deflection, and you can usually tell by how quickly he changes the topic to something less scary.
Pre-Existing Issues Get Worse
A man who was harboring unresolved emotional or mental health problems before his loss will likely feel their full force once grief is added to the mix. For these men, it’s especially important to seek help as early as possible, since the tendency to quash their grief will make the other issues start bubbling over as well.
Isolation
Just as a cat skulks away to lick its wounds alone, men will often withdraw from society when they’re hurting. Whether it’s to dodge difficult conversations, avoid reminders of what was lost, or hide their vulnerability from others, solitary grief will be more profound and persistent than grief tackled together.
Guilt & Shame
When it comes to grief, it seems like there’s no sweet spot. If we grieve for too long, we feel ashamed for not being strong enough to get over it yet. If we don’t grieve long enough, we feel guilty for being so callous that we’re already over it. Remember, grief will never fully go away, and it tends to come in waves. There’s no straight line to lesser grief, so give yourself the grace to let this journey run its course.
Too High to Cry
Feeling sad sucks. What better way to feel good again than to sink deep into your favorite vices, like sex, gambling, drugs, and alcohol? I’m glad you asked, because there are much better ways to feel good again, without all the side effects. And I’ll tell you about them right now.
How to get through it
I’ll say it again, because it’s so damn true: Suffering = Pain x Resistance.
Like a Chinese finger trap, the more you fight it, the more trapped you become. Once you’re willing to give yourself over to the grief and let it run its course, you’ll discover both your path forward and the strength you’ll need to follow it. Once you stop resisting, you can start recovering.
The opposite of resistance is acceptance, but that doesn’t mean being happy about your loss. It just means letting it be.
Seek Professional Support
A trained therapist is the perfect co-pilot to help you navigate through grief. With their deep knowledge of emotional processing, avoidance behaviors, clinical treatments, and self-care techniques, therapists are the best bet for helping you acknowledge and process your grief while also building up your mental health fortitude for whatever shakes your world next.
Man Therapy Provider Directory
Find a real life man-therapist.
We have partnered with real life professionals who specialize in men’s issues. Talking with a specialist can be way more efficient than googling symptoms. Browse and find one that sounds right for you; they’re ready for whatever you’ll throw at them.
Other Methods
Therapy’s great, but there are plenty of other ways for men to handle grief that don’t involve a couch and a box of tissues. Grief may be tough, but with these tactics, you'll be tougher.
Give Yourself Permission to Feel
Grief is not a sign of weakness. It’s a sign that you’ve been blessed with normal human emotions, rather than the surly, psychotic apathy of a T-800 Terminator. Take your time, feel your feels, and resist the urge to soothe yourself with escapist distractions. Sit with it, listen to it, and remind yourself that it always gets better with time.
Talk About It
In the throes of grief, it can be tough to sort out exactly how you’re feeling. Thoughts, especially painful ones, have a tendency to get jumbled, cyclical, and confusing when they’re left to slosh around in your head. But when you sit down and talk things through with someone else — especially someone who’s experienced a similar loss — it can be easier to put your thoughts in order and process your emotions more efficiently.
Honor the Loss
After a painful breakup, a sudden death, or an abruptly canceled TV series, what we want more than anything is that elusive sense of closure. The problem is, since grief never goes away, permanent closure just isn’t a real thing. What we can do, however, is make meaning out of misery.
Write a letter and set it on fire (who doesn’t like setting things on fire?). Commit to a ritual like celebrating your lost loved one’s birthday or donating to their favorite charity once a year. Create or commission a piece of art that reminds you of them. Start a community project or group in their honor. By cultivating the memory of what you lost, you get to control how you respond to the grief.
Just F***ing CRY
When did we decide that big boys don’t cry? Crying is incredible, for several reasons. One, it’s a release valve for all the salty emotions that we’ve let build up behind our gruff facade. And two, it’s a huge, flashing sign of manliness. In this warped, tear-averse culture we find ourselves in, one of the bravest things you can do is buck the trends of hollow masculinity and show the world what a confident, mature, emotionally secure man looks like. Or you can cry in the privacy of your car while blasting Metallica. Totally your call.
Need Help?
Grief doesn’t have a finish line, and neither do my resources.
I’ve pulled together an eclectic list of tools and go-tos that will help you confront your grief with bravery and acceptance. Find support and solidarity from other men who’ve walked the path of grief before you, learn new (healthy) coping skills to get you through the darkest days, and get connected with local organizations and resources.
The bad news is, now that you’ve unlocked your ability to grieve, you won’t be able to help but cry at every life-insurance commercial and Hallmark movie that crosses your path. Nah, I’m just giving you grief ;)
Below, you’ll find an office chock-full of Gentlemental Health guides just like this one as well as other in-person and online community resources to leverage for your own mental health and to share with other guys who need a hand. Let’s dive in.
Suggested Resources
Maybe it’s time to practice breathing exercises or journaling, or to make an appointment with a trained therapist near you. Check out the resources I’ve handpicked below; you can’t go wrong.
There’s more meat on the mental health bone. try dr. rich’sMental health plan builder.
Gentlemental Health 101
Improving your mental health means taking charge of every aspect of your world. Mental health issues are often interconnected, so explore how other areas of your life can impact each other and get your brain and life into tip-top shape.